she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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