the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
