Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
