I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
