My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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