Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
