She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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