And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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