oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
