I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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