Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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