Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I feel like death gave me a hand job
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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