Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
