You really coming over, don't trick.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
