just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Randomize
