There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
