So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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