i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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