you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
