it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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