life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
