i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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