SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i think i have herpe
just one?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
