Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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