hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
