she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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