You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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