i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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