i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
