oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
