Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
