we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
