if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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