You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
