who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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