i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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