I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
