In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
