I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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