just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
