Non-Jews are for practice
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
