I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
