Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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