He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
