First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I understand Curling. That high.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
