that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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