I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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