: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
