I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
