mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
