i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
