i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
